Friday, September 3, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
"I'm looking for a notary republic." You're looking for a nation where everyone has an equal voice and they can administer oaths and affirmations, take affidavits and statutory declarations, and witness and authenticate the execution of certain classes of documents? No? Oh, you mean a public notary. Try your bank.
Post from 8/21/10
Chuck Norris doesn't write books, he just stares at the typewriter until it produces what he wants.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Post from 8/13/10
I prefer people who smell really bad over people who smell really strongly of perfume. Because with people who smell bad I just throw up in my mouth a little bit then it's over with. But people who wear a lot of perfume give me a headache that lasts all day.
Post from 8/13/10
NASCAR has a weekly magazine? Most NASCAR fans don't know how to read, and those who do know how usually save that ability for important things, like the restraining orders from their favorite drivers. Anyway, publishing a weekly magazine for NASCAR fans makes as much sense as taking a group of anorexics to Golden Corral.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Post from 8/10/10
Nothing screams "attention whore" more than a book (that's not a biography) with your picture on the spine.
Post from 8/9/10
Yes, that is a pregnancy test stashed in the base of an artificial tree. Yes, it was positive. But it's ok, that tree is married to the tree by the reference desk.
Posts from 7/21/10 to 8/6/10
7/21/10: Use the staple bridge to cross the rubber band moat and reach the correction fluid castle. But watch out for the sharp spires of the golf pencil wall!
7/23/10: When you're homeless, you really don't have much going for you, in terms of tangible assets and intangible assets. So when a guy disrespects your homeless girlfriend's honor by calling her a bitch, the natural thing to do is punch him in the face.
7/26/10: Awesome donation of the day: It says "boners."
8/3/10: This has been on my desk for about 6 months now, and I have no idea why. Any suggestions on what I should do with it?
8/4/10: The internet is down so our whole system is affected and we can't get any work done. IT is working on the issue, but in the meantime, I bring you Venom vs. green army men. Who do you think will be victorious?
8/5/10: This guy teaches history at Oxy, of course I'm ordering this book!
8/6/10: Bullet in the bookdrop. If you don't like the selection of library materials, just tell us. No need to send us passive-aggressive death threats.
7/23/10: When you're homeless, you really don't have much going for you, in terms of tangible assets and intangible assets. So when a guy disrespects your homeless girlfriend's honor by calling her a bitch, the natural thing to do is punch him in the face.
7/26/10: Awesome donation of the day: It says "boners."
8/3/10: This has been on my desk for about 6 months now, and I have no idea why. Any suggestions on what I should do with it?
8/4/10: The internet is down so our whole system is affected and we can't get any work done. IT is working on the issue, but in the meantime, I bring you Venom vs. green army men. Who do you think will be victorious?
8/5/10: This guy teaches history at Oxy, of course I'm ordering this book!
8/6/10: Bullet in the bookdrop. If you don't like the selection of library materials, just tell us. No need to send us passive-aggressive death threats.
Posts from 6/30/10 to 7/15/10
6/30/10: You're wearing a Team Jacob shirt? Really? Hate to spoil your fun, but you know Bella ends up fucking Edward, right? I don't know why these girls are so faithful to a losing cause. Probably learned from poor examples at home. Their dads must be Cubs fans.
7/1/10: Yup, we have purple duct tape holding down our plastic chair mats.
7/6/10: "Your Wi-Fi is down? And you don't know when it's going to be working? Are you doing anything to fix it?!?!" No, we've pretty much given up on it. We think this Internet fad is almost over anyway, and we're tired of dealing with it.
7/6/10: I think this would be a fun new rule: Allowing people to sleep in the library. But they no longer get to find a quiet corner and a comfy chair to doze off in. Instead, they are to sit on a wooden stool right next to the teens' computers.
7/9/10: When someone checks out a Playaway (a pre-loaded digital audio player, you can Google it), we give them a pair of headphones and a battery. I've been here for 2 years and I still don't understand this practice. We don't give people bifocals and lightbulbs when they check out books.
7/10/10: Donation of the day: Finally, a book that J can appreciate.
7/10/10: "Hi, am I at the right place? My father asked me to pick up a book for him." Nope, no books here. We only sell racoon hats and eyepatches. The Jiffy Lube has all the books.
7/12/10: Awesome donation of the day: Cassette tapes from a person who had diverse musical interests.
7/14/10: Abandoned pitcher of OJ. Or Sunny D. Might be Tampico. I'm not thirsty enough to find out.
7/15/10: Book I won't be ordering: Algebra is already intimidating, why have a picture of a ferocious-looking mountain lion on the cover?
7/1/10: Yup, we have purple duct tape holding down our plastic chair mats.
7/6/10: "Your Wi-Fi is down? And you don't know when it's going to be working? Are you doing anything to fix it?!?!" No, we've pretty much given up on it. We think this Internet fad is almost over anyway, and we're tired of dealing with it.
7/6/10: I think this would be a fun new rule: Allowing people to sleep in the library. But they no longer get to find a quiet corner and a comfy chair to doze off in. Instead, they are to sit on a wooden stool right next to the teens' computers.
7/9/10: When someone checks out a Playaway (a pre-loaded digital audio player, you can Google it), we give them a pair of headphones and a battery. I've been here for 2 years and I still don't understand this practice. We don't give people bifocals and lightbulbs when they check out books.
7/10/10: Donation of the day: Finally, a book that J can appreciate.
7/10/10: "Hi, am I at the right place? My father asked me to pick up a book for him." Nope, no books here. We only sell racoon hats and eyepatches. The Jiffy Lube has all the books.
7/12/10: Awesome donation of the day: Cassette tapes from a person who had diverse musical interests.
7/14/10: Abandoned pitcher of OJ. Or Sunny D. Might be Tampico. I'm not thirsty enough to find out.
7/15/10: Book I won't be ordering: Algebra is already intimidating, why have a picture of a ferocious-looking mountain lion on the cover?
Posts from 5/27/10 to 6/29/10
5/27/10: Phone call (on a Thursday): "Hi, you guys are open today for Memorial Day weekend?" Slight pause as I determine the best way to answer this. "Well Memorial Day isn't til Monday, and we're closed that day. But yes, we are open today."
5/28: Someone donated about 30 books and one-piece women's bathing suit. The library has no need for the swimsuit, so it's free to a good home!
6/2/10: "Will someone help me at the self-checkout machine? My electromagnetic energy disrupts the machine." I'll help you, but only because I appreciate the extraordinary excuse you concocted for being lazy.
6/7/10: "Do I get a library card here?" No, go to the post office.
6/10/10: My monitor now resembles a certain monster who has a persistent hankering for cookies.
6/11/10: I was strolling through Kidstown and I paused to listen to a woman read The Giving Tree to a group of boys. She would pause in between pages to ask the boys questions. She asked, "What can you do with a tree?" One boy answered, "Go potty!"
6/15/10: I know that I spend a lot of time here and it kinda feels like a second home to me, but my house key won't open the door. Ugh, it's gonna be a long day.
6/15/10: "I'm really a pain, ain't I?" Actually, I don't mind helping you. It's your atrocious grammar that is painful.
6/16/10: Today at library school - From a book for my Introduction to IT class - "URLs use many slashes ( / ); that's the correct term. Backslashes ( \ ) are also used in computing; that's also the correct term. The term 'forward slash' is not correct, except perhaps with light sabers." I don't even like Star Wars and I think that's funny.
6/29/10: "I don't have a library card with this library, but I have one from my library in Michigan, does that help?" No. Do you go to Safeway and try to use your Smith's card?
5/28: Someone donated about 30 books and one-piece women's bathing suit. The library has no need for the swimsuit, so it's free to a good home!
6/2/10: "Will someone help me at the self-checkout machine? My electromagnetic energy disrupts the machine." I'll help you, but only because I appreciate the extraordinary excuse you concocted for being lazy.
6/7/10: "Do I get a library card here?" No, go to the post office.
6/10/10: My monitor now resembles a certain monster who has a persistent hankering for cookies.
6/11/10: I was strolling through Kidstown and I paused to listen to a woman read The Giving Tree to a group of boys. She would pause in between pages to ask the boys questions. She asked, "What can you do with a tree?" One boy answered, "Go potty!"
6/15/10: I know that I spend a lot of time here and it kinda feels like a second home to me, but my house key won't open the door. Ugh, it's gonna be a long day.
6/15/10: "I'm really a pain, ain't I?" Actually, I don't mind helping you. It's your atrocious grammar that is painful.
6/16/10: Today at library school - From a book for my Introduction to IT class - "URLs use many slashes ( / ); that's the correct term. Backslashes ( \ ) are also used in computing; that's also the correct term. The term 'forward slash' is not correct, except perhaps with light sabers." I don't even like Star Wars and I think that's funny.
6/29/10: "I don't have a library card with this library, but I have one from my library in Michigan, does that help?" No. Do you go to Safeway and try to use your Smith's card?
Posts from 5/6/10 to 5/26/10
5/6/10: An older gentleman asked 3 other patrons if they wanted to "take it outside" (as in, let's have ourselves a fistfight) because they were speaking to each other while using the computers. We informed this gentleman that our patrons are, in fact, allowed to speak at a reasonable volume. The gentleman then proceeded to tell me that "the state of Arizona is fucking stupid and backwards." I asked him to leave. He flipped me off and said "fuck you." I asked him again to leave. He then grabbed his crotch and said "fuck you."
5/7/10: "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Dr. Phil's son?" Nope, you're the first. And I think I'd prefer to have the bird-flipping, crotch-grabbing old man verbally assault me again rather than have someone compare me to the offspring of Dr. Phil.
5/12/10: I don't know. I have the rest of the week off.
5/17/10: "Some disgusting person left used chewing gum over by your books for sale!" Yeah, that's poster putty. I use it when hanging up stuff for displays, and it's mostly harmless. But good job on your indignation about a little piece of gum.
5/18/10: A dirty, wrinkled, water-stained poster is a great way to advertise your cleaning business.
5/20/10: I'm all for our new policy that allows people to use their phones in the library. However, I'm really hoping that this guy's battery dies soon.
5/21/10: If you have to use screwdrivers that don't have handles, you might work in a poor library.
5/25/10: It's a shame that the majority of our teens are well-behaved, because I kinda get a kick out of throwing out the jerks.
5/25/10: Awesome book order of the day - Big Hair and Plastic Grass: A Funky Ride Through Baseball and America in the Swinging '70s. It talks about Dock Ellis throwing a no-hitter in 1970 while on LSD, the "Disco Demolition" night in 1979, and all of the outrageous stuff that happened in between. (Garishly-colored polyester uniforms, orange baseballs, experimenting with a 3-ball walk, etc.)
5/26/10: Accepted activities to log time for our Summer Reading Program: reading books, magazines, newspapers, reading things online, listening to audiobooks, having someone read to you, watching movies, watching TV. Seriously, watching movies and television counts for our Summer READING Program.
5/7/10: "Has anyone ever told you that you look like Dr. Phil's son?" Nope, you're the first. And I think I'd prefer to have the bird-flipping, crotch-grabbing old man verbally assault me again rather than have someone compare me to the offspring of Dr. Phil.
5/12/10: I don't know. I have the rest of the week off.
5/17/10: "Some disgusting person left used chewing gum over by your books for sale!" Yeah, that's poster putty. I use it when hanging up stuff for displays, and it's mostly harmless. But good job on your indignation about a little piece of gum.
5/18/10: A dirty, wrinkled, water-stained poster is a great way to advertise your cleaning business.
5/20/10: I'm all for our new policy that allows people to use their phones in the library. However, I'm really hoping that this guy's battery dies soon.
5/21/10: If you have to use screwdrivers that don't have handles, you might work in a poor library.
5/25/10: It's a shame that the majority of our teens are well-behaved, because I kinda get a kick out of throwing out the jerks.
5/25/10: Awesome book order of the day - Big Hair and Plastic Grass: A Funky Ride Through Baseball and America in the Swinging '70s. It talks about Dock Ellis throwing a no-hitter in 1970 while on LSD, the "Disco Demolition" night in 1979, and all of the outrageous stuff that happened in between. (Garishly-colored polyester uniforms, orange baseballs, experimenting with a 3-ball walk, etc.)
5/26/10: Accepted activities to log time for our Summer Reading Program: reading books, magazines, newspapers, reading things online, listening to audiobooks, having someone read to you, watching movies, watching TV. Seriously, watching movies and television counts for our Summer READING Program.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Posts from 3/11/10 to 4/2/10
3/11/10: Saw a service dog with a sign that read "Please do not pet me, I am working." I need one of those.
3/11/10: This.
3/15/10: We offer several free computer classes - Let's Begin with the Mouse, Create & Use E-mail, and Introduction to the Internet, to name a few. I have an idea for a new one: YOU DON'T HAVE TO DOUBLE-CLICK EVERYTHING!!!
3/17/10: With each book Jackie Collins shows a little more cleavage.
3/22/10: I need to file a worker's comp claim. I can't shelve books with a scratched thumb!
3/22/10: Awesome donation of the day: A bootleg DVD of Tomb Raider.
3/22/10: The library environment really is changing. Some people look shocked when they see a bookcart go by. But I'm guessing that most of their shock comes from the fact that I am pushing/riding/standing on the bookcart like a shopping cart.
3/23/10: "My sister found this pill in her son's stuff and wants to know what it is." (The pill was white, round and had L194 on one side and blank on the other side.) Well ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you that your nephew is indeed hooked on generic Pepcid. He's probably trying to treat the ulcer he got from worrying about his mom's snooping.
3/30/10: Awesome book order of the day: Mr. Jefferson and the Giant Moose, by Lee Alan Dugatkin. Brief summary - At the end of the 18th century a theory arose that America was a degenerate land - damp, coolish, and capable of producing only weak, undersized, insipid life forms lacking in vigor or fertility.
4/2/10: A great clip from Sesame Street. Cookie Monster goes to the library. He doesn't quite understand the purpose of the library. He reminds me of a lot of patrons I deal with.
3/11/10: This.
3/15/10: We offer several free computer classes - Let's Begin with the Mouse, Create & Use E-mail, and Introduction to the Internet, to name a few. I have an idea for a new one: YOU DON'T HAVE TO DOUBLE-CLICK EVERYTHING!!!
3/17/10: With each book Jackie Collins shows a little more cleavage.
3/22/10: I need to file a worker's comp claim. I can't shelve books with a scratched thumb!
3/22/10: Awesome donation of the day: A bootleg DVD of Tomb Raider.
3/22/10: The library environment really is changing. Some people look shocked when they see a bookcart go by. But I'm guessing that most of their shock comes from the fact that I am pushing/riding/standing on the bookcart like a shopping cart.
3/23/10: "My sister found this pill in her son's stuff and wants to know what it is." (The pill was white, round and had L194 on one side and blank on the other side.) Well ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you that your nephew is indeed hooked on generic Pepcid. He's probably trying to treat the ulcer he got from worrying about his mom's snooping.
3/30/10: Awesome book order of the day: Mr. Jefferson and the Giant Moose, by Lee Alan Dugatkin. Brief summary - At the end of the 18th century a theory arose that America was a degenerate land - damp, coolish, and capable of producing only weak, undersized, insipid life forms lacking in vigor or fertility.
4/2/10: A great clip from Sesame Street. Cookie Monster goes to the library. He doesn't quite understand the purpose of the library. He reminds me of a lot of patrons I deal with.
Posts from 2/26/10 to 3/9/10
2/26/10: Dear book sale customers, please only take books from the designated book sale area. DO NOT load up your bags with books from our stacks. Those are NOT for sale. Thanks, library staff.
2/26/10: When attempting to weasel your way out of late fees by claiming that you never checked an item out, it really doesn't help your case when someone hands in the car keys you just lost. Your credibility just went out the window. Now pay your 40 cents.
3/2/10: A moral dilemma: A person looks right past a sign that says "FREE FAXING" to ask me how much faxing costs. I have no qualms about not telling him it's free. My dilemma is deciding on a (somewhat) reasonable rate to charge him.
3/2/10: I'm sorry, it's hard for me to gauge if I can help you, because I'm having trouble hearing your question over the noise of your child asking me repeatedly, "Do you got candy? Do you got candy? DO YOU GOT CANDY?!?!"
3/5/10: You didn't put in a full day of work unless you got some Sharpie on you.
3/9/10: I was calling patrons to let them know their holds were available. Patron: "Oh, I'm actually in the library right now!" Awesome, thanks for answering your phone in the library. Any other library rules you are breaking that you want to tell me about?
3/9/10: Patron: "I want to use a computer but I don't have my library card." Me (noticing that the patron had only 1 key and her library card on her keyring): "What's that on your keyring?" Patron: "Oh...
2/26/10: When attempting to weasel your way out of late fees by claiming that you never checked an item out, it really doesn't help your case when someone hands in the car keys you just lost. Your credibility just went out the window. Now pay your 40 cents.
3/2/10: A moral dilemma: A person looks right past a sign that says "FREE FAXING" to ask me how much faxing costs. I have no qualms about not telling him it's free. My dilemma is deciding on a (somewhat) reasonable rate to charge him.
3/2/10: I'm sorry, it's hard for me to gauge if I can help you, because I'm having trouble hearing your question over the noise of your child asking me repeatedly, "Do you got candy? Do you got candy? DO YOU GOT CANDY?!?!"
3/5/10: You didn't put in a full day of work unless you got some Sharpie on you.
3/9/10: I was calling patrons to let them know their holds were available. Patron: "Oh, I'm actually in the library right now!" Awesome, thanks for answering your phone in the library. Any other library rules you are breaking that you want to tell me about?
3/9/10: Patron: "I want to use a computer but I don't have my library card." Me (noticing that the patron had only 1 key and her library card on her keyring): "What's that on your keyring?" Patron: "Oh...
Posts from 2/13/10 to 2/25/10
2/13/10: Awesome donation of the day: A VHS of New Kids on the Block.
2/13/10: An older customer is challenging a late fee that he has. He eventually says, "I can't challenge the computer, that's an Obama no-no." What? That doesn't even make sense.
2/16/10: Old white lady: "Why are there so many people here using computers, don't they have one at home?" No. I know it's hard to believe, but some people can't afford a computer and/or Internet service. She'd probably shit herself if she knew that the property taxes on her vacation home keep this soup kitchen open.
2/16/10: Awesome donation of the day: The holy trinity of Steven Seagal's movies, on VHS.
2/18/10: Fun find of the day: Red Dairy Queen spoon in the stacks.
2/22/10: "I'm having trouble getting on your wireless network. I'm so frustrated I'm ready to throw my computer in the trash can." Well if you're using a PC I can definitely help you with that. Not the connecting to the wireless network part, the part about throwing your crap computer in the trash.
2/23/10: Empty CD cases hidden in display books. Great, thanks. Really though, who steals a Kid Rock CD???
2/23/10: "I thought that you didn't have to renew paperbacks and there are no late fees on paperbacks?" Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know today was make-up-your-own-rules-day.
2/24/10: This is what happens at the reference desk when there are no reference questions asked.
2/25/10: Do Cher and Sarah Jessica Parker know you used their likenesses for this book cover?
2/13/10: An older customer is challenging a late fee that he has. He eventually says, "I can't challenge the computer, that's an Obama no-no." What? That doesn't even make sense.
2/16/10: Old white lady: "Why are there so many people here using computers, don't they have one at home?" No. I know it's hard to believe, but some people can't afford a computer and/or Internet service. She'd probably shit herself if she knew that the property taxes on her vacation home keep this soup kitchen open.
2/16/10: Awesome donation of the day: The holy trinity of Steven Seagal's movies, on VHS.
2/18/10: Fun find of the day: Red Dairy Queen spoon in the stacks.
2/22/10: "I'm having trouble getting on your wireless network. I'm so frustrated I'm ready to throw my computer in the trash can." Well if you're using a PC I can definitely help you with that. Not the connecting to the wireless network part, the part about throwing your crap computer in the trash.
2/23/10: Empty CD cases hidden in display books. Great, thanks. Really though, who steals a Kid Rock CD???
2/23/10: "I thought that you didn't have to renew paperbacks and there are no late fees on paperbacks?" Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know today was make-up-your-own-rules-day.
2/24/10: This is what happens at the reference desk when there are no reference questions asked.
2/25/10: Do Cher and Sarah Jessica Parker know you used their likenesses for this book cover?
Posts from 2/2/10 to 2/12/10
2/2/10: Got an interesting lecture from a woman about her credit card interest rates and how she dealt with the credit card companies by "bitching" at them to lower her rate from 23% to 19%, and did I know that credit card bills come from Nevada or Deleware because they don't have usury laws? Oh, I forgot the conspiracy theory part - Albertson's has changed the way it shows up on your credit card statement. It now shows up as "Super Savers" so your credit card company will think you are poor and lower your credit limit.
2/2/10: "Did you see that disgusting movie recently, with Keanu Reeves? The Terminator. Where he's hooked to a computer with all of those cords? I'm afraid of that happening, that's why I don't use computers." Yeah, the crazies are here in full force today.
2/3/10: Always amazed at how much shit people have in their wallet/purse/handbag/clutch. Receipts, pens, candy, keys, phones, checkbooks, other assorted junk...everything except their library card. Also, I like it when they lick their fingers when they flip through their cards then hand it to me.
2/4/10: "The doctor said I can't drive anymore, but I drove here this afternoon. I didn't want to miss the Friends of the Library meeting." Well, thanks for endangering anyone who shares the road with you.
2/8/10: "Here, I found a penny on the ground. Have you seen that movie where they kill people and then put pennies on their eyes? It's called Boondock Street Killers. It's on TV right now."
2/9/10: Why is it so hard to find a paper clip that isn't paper-clipped to another paper clip?
2/9/10: "Do you have 'Dear John', by any chance? It's by Nicholas Stark...Parks...SPARKS!"
2/11/10: Ordering books is fun, especially when I find titles like "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter". Sounds like it's a humorous read, but Abe better stay away from Edward!
2/12/10: Dusting the top shelves.
2/12/10: A teen told me that I was the "coolest library guy, ever!" I'm the only guy that works at this library, and I'm guessing that he's never been to another library. So I'm probably the "coolest library guy, ever" by default. But I'm not gonna look this gift horse in the mouth.
2/2/10: "Did you see that disgusting movie recently, with Keanu Reeves? The Terminator. Where he's hooked to a computer with all of those cords? I'm afraid of that happening, that's why I don't use computers." Yeah, the crazies are here in full force today.
2/3/10: Always amazed at how much shit people have in their wallet/purse/handbag/clutch. Receipts, pens, candy, keys, phones, checkbooks, other assorted junk...everything except their library card. Also, I like it when they lick their fingers when they flip through their cards then hand it to me.
2/4/10: "The doctor said I can't drive anymore, but I drove here this afternoon. I didn't want to miss the Friends of the Library meeting." Well, thanks for endangering anyone who shares the road with you.
2/8/10: "Here, I found a penny on the ground. Have you seen that movie where they kill people and then put pennies on their eyes? It's called Boondock Street Killers. It's on TV right now."
2/9/10: Why is it so hard to find a paper clip that isn't paper-clipped to another paper clip?
2/9/10: "Do you have 'Dear John', by any chance? It's by Nicholas Stark...Parks...SPARKS!"
2/11/10: Ordering books is fun, especially when I find titles like "Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter". Sounds like it's a humorous read, but Abe better stay away from Edward!
2/12/10: Dusting the top shelves.
2/12/10: A teen told me that I was the "coolest library guy, ever!" I'm the only guy that works at this library, and I'm guessing that he's never been to another library. So I'm probably the "coolest library guy, ever" by default. But I'm not gonna look this gift horse in the mouth.
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